Darling Nicky

I’ve been neglecting writing on this blog for the past few months. I haven’t been doing a number of things that I used to enjoy doing. My therapist says that this symptom, along with sleeplessness and increase/decrease in appetite, sound like I might be depressed. The thing is I never felt depressed or even thought I was depressed. Is it possible that someone could be depressed and not know it?

There are women who don’t know they’re pregnant until they are about to give birth to an actual baby. There are even reports of these women still having their periods. If something as what a lot of people would deem obvious as pregnancy can be over-looked by the unexpecting mother, something as subtle as depression may also be just as easily ignored. My therapist is right. I do sleep later in the night than I used to and even fall asleep in random places during the day, I’m not as enthusiastic to be around friends as I used to be, and I have gone through periods at a time where I have had increased appetite as well as decreased appetite. I even recognize how my mood may even show up on my skin. It seems that every year I get older and my acne gets worse. I do attribute it to increasing stresses like the new challenges an average teen would go through in high school and college, and that I’ve graduated college and haven’t found a job in over a year I face new challenges in being a full fledged adult.

I graduated May 2008 and have been looking for work a couple of months before my graduation. I new it was going to be rough in the beginning, but as time went on and I couldn’t even get interviews even though I sent my resume to many didn’t places. I even registered to get work through Work Force 1 in NYC, but was told by the woman who looked at my resume that she couldn’t help me because I don’t have retail or much food service expreience and that they don’t have media opportunities there. I haven’t gone back since. I did get a job at a yogurt chain that shall remain nameless. It only lasted a month before I was let go due to, what I was told, the store not doing as well as expected. Admittedly, I wasn’t the only one or first or the last one at that store to go. I went to D.C. to go to a job fair that was being held at Howard University (I’m told it’s the real H.U.) and hosted by the University’s Communications department. It turned out to be a wash for me because a lot of the companies  were hiring for interns when I was already a graduate, and other companies were hiring for the marketing departments. I tried to make myself seem like I could be good their marketing teams, but looking at my resume they knew otherwise. Besides, taking marketing course was a part of my major at Pace University and I usually fell asleep in those classes. Marketing is definitely not my forte.

I did have a very fulfilling experience at an internship that I recently ended and the people liked me there. I interned at Interactive One for about four months. The people are very friendly and they have a great loung area with a fabulous coffee machine with maybe half a dozen coffee and tea flavors, slamming hot chocolate, and even makes chicken soup broth! Working there was the busiest I had ever been at an internship, and I do believe that I impressed the people I worked with. A couple of my superiors even gifted me with a lovely parting present of a dvd set of the ”reality show” The Hills and a beautiful charm bracelet. It didn’t turn into a job while I was there and during my tenure some people were actually let go. I had fun there and I can definitely count my experience at Interactive One as a huge bright spot in my life during the past year. I will be keeping in touch with the people over there.

Recently, I sent my resume to a couple of temp agencies. One of them already got back to me saying they can’t help me after reviewing my resume and deciding that they don’t have jobs that match my qualifications. The other I have heard from at all, but the prognosis is not good. I also filled out an application to become a court officer. It’s not what I want to do, but I can’t intern for free until the job market clears because who the hell knows when that’s going to be. I need money not only to buy news clothes, shoes, and food but to pay off my student loan debt which is in the thirty thousands right now. Thankfully my mother is paying off some of it, but it’s a drop in the bucket compared to how much I owe and how long it might take me to pay it all back. I also want to be able to pay for it myself. I hate the fact that I am an adult and mother is still paying for my education. I had hoped that I would be able to live with my parents while I paid off my student loans and then by the age of 26 or 27 I’d have my own place. I’m 24 now and I really don’t see that happening now.

Add on top of all that that my family is going through it’s own problems. Yeah, I guess someone would be depressed. Putting everything into perspective has helped me to see that maybe I am depressed. I’ve been in a mood that I have been shirking off as some winter time lethargy is actually depression. I’m not anymore weepy than I usually am (and for someone who was called a cry-baby from pre-k on that’s a lot). Now that I have this awareness, it’s time to get myself out of this mood. I can’t get myself a job, I don’t have big enough balls to rob and steal, and I can’t fix my family’s problems but I get out more even if it’s just to get air and exercise or to go to some free event. Ican get in touch with friends more often, and make it a point to not talk about how the economy sucks and it’s tough to get a job because that will make me want to end the conversation really quick. I may not have been aware of my actual emotional state but I still didn’t like how unenthusiastic and pessimistic I have been about life.